Monthly Archives: March 2011

My Coming Out Story

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Finally got a webcam and a new computer, so I will (hopefully!) soon be posting some Vlog’s soon. I will announce it all over too.  My Vlog’s at 1st will not have BDSM content because the new computer and webcam I share with my dad, and I don’t want there to be ANY risk of my dad or anyone else in my family  finding out about that part of my life.  I am hoping to get my own laptop and webcam soon, saw one for like almost $400 at Micro Center, pretty much the cheapest I’ve seen. I only have like $650 in my account now, and want to have more then that in there before buying a laptop. 

And when I eventually do get the laptop and webcam, and start posting vids with BDSM content (that is if I like doing VLogs at all!!!) I will be wearing masks and disguises, to conceal my identity, as well as be under another screen name.  Anywho here is my coming out story!

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I 1st came out when I was about 20-21 to my dad. That was (looking back at it.) Was probably not a good time to come out, and I didn’t really plan on what I was going to say. My parents had recently seperated and my dad and I were driving around, running errands I think and I asked him something like, “You would always love me, no matter what I do or say, right?”  and he said “Yes of course” then I said “I am bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women”  I don’t really remember the conversation after that, but what it had amounted to was “Oh it’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it” type of response.  That really pissed me off! He told my mom and one of my brothers. For some reason I cannot remember really talking with ethier of them about it.   Looking back, I see the whole phase statement more clearly and have developed some theories on it.

1.)Yes, Bisexuality is at times (for some people) a phase. In trying to figure out whom/what your attracted to and all that. Which I knew then. But my emotional response to this was, regardless of whether or not this was a phase, it is still something that was distressful to me.  I felt like that statement totally invalidated my feelings, was like saying, “Oh it doesn’t matter.”

 2.)I think that people (like parents.) say that, not to necessarily reassure the person that is coming out,  but to try and reassure themselves.  People often develope a sense of other people, like their kids. They have a perception of who that person is. And when that person comes out with something they didn’t expect, they have a hard time dealing with it. When it comes to being LGBT which is something that is still discriminated against every day (depending on where your at.) Our loved ones, often don’t want that for us. They don’t want us to be ostrasized by others, to hurt or possibly killed. So they have a bad emotional response.  Alot of times, their response has to do with misconceptions, like the so-called ‘Gay Lifestyle’. Which implies that all gay people are promiscuis and what not.

A bit of backstory…..

 In school, I was totally and completely boy-crazy! I never (at least not consciously) had any crushes on girls. Yeah there were a few I thought were pretty (some just surface wise, others I thought were pretty inside and out. the former was really rare, though.) But it never went beyond that. Yeah I snuck looks at other girls in the locker rooms and showers, but that’s human nature….everyone does that.  I never even had any sort of crush on female friends. (and very rarely male friends.)

Despite my boycraziness, I was really shy and had a hard time talking to boys. (and most other girls.) I was alittle bit socially awkward I guess.  My parents were probably more relieved about that then worried, considering the consistant rise in teenage pregnancy and STD’s.  So, for the most part, I lived in my head (and still do to a large extent.) The boycrazy stuff, looking back at it, it really throws me off, I mean how can someone who now considers herself to be Queer/Gay have that kind of background?  I have a few theories (No there isn’t much that I don’t have a theory on!:P)

1.) Is that given the teenage years is a really crazy hormonal time, and that (for me, maybe.) my sexuality wasn’t fixed, so I just started liking boys.

2.) I was into reading teenybopper books, and all the girls like boys and vice versa. I had heard vaguely of Gays and Lesbians, and I knew what those words meant, but at the time, I felt that they didn’t relate to me, so I never thought much about it, though felt vaguely disgusted by the idea. Anyways, maybe society’s conditioning in that, ‘You got to be straight?’ was in play there?

3.)Maybe sexuality really is fluid. That it doesn’t really stay in 1 place.

Could be anyone of those, or a combination of all 3, or non of those, as in maybe I am delusional. (I doubt the last one, seriously. :)) #3, that one really fucks with my head, because I am finally getting to where I can start to accept myself as a Queer Woman (and many, many other things.) And what….start being attracted to whom? Guys again? Fem Women?  Nothing inherently wrong with that, it is just I don’t like changes much, (like a cat;)) I struggled for so long trying to figure this shit out, now that I have it figured out, I don’t want it to change. 

LOL. Sorry I digressed so much. Anyways, after coming out in my early 20’s I wound up going back into the closet for the most part. I say for the most part because the subject came up every now and then with my dad, and I just would shrug and not really give an answear. (because I didn’t really know.) I told a few boyfriends and potential boyfriends (Mostly to gadge their reactions.) most were okay with it, some predictably thought that meant I wanted to be in a 3some, or that I would want a girlfriend in addition to a boyfriend.  I wasn’t at all ready for any of that. Looking back, I think part of was because I sensed that the term bisexual wasn’t right for me. 

I really wish I had started hanging with the LGBT community back then,  I don’t know if I would of figured it out sooner, but I would of found more friends that would try to help me figure it out, at any rate.  But, better late then never, for the past year I have been attending a few regular groups at the local LGBT center. Back then, I let my excuse of not having a car limit virtually most of possible social activities, which is bullshit, because alot of these things were close enough that I could of walked, rode my bike, asked my dad to drop me off/pick me up.  And undoubtably I would of made friends that would be ok with picking me up, like if we were going to the same event. (and of course I would of given gas money.)  But once I got my car, lol. I no longer could make that excuse.  I started with the Pagan community especially after my last boyfriend broke up with me and I wanted to find other Pagans my age. (particularily guys. still had guy crushes.) Then went on to the BDSM community and finally worked up the nerve to check out the local LGBT center.

Well I think I have said enough on this topic, though may add more later on. Like I mentioned earlier, will probably post a vid or 2 on this topic soon, this was to try and clarify my thoughts, like kind of have a script to go by, I want to try and avoid having alot of Umm’s and pauses.  Been watching Coming Out stories on youtube and reading stories on the web, just wanted to add my voice to the queue, remind people that there are those in every age group that come out, it is NOT reserved for the young by any means.  LOL.  So see ya then!