Syr finished wrapping the rope around me and I thought we were done, but then hy took another piece of rope,pulled my hands behind my back and tied them together. I stifled a groan as hy chuckled evilly. Hy led me downstairs and told me to sit down. Hy cooked my favorite foods, shrimp scampi, spinach with pine nuts and currants,and okra. With Strawberry Shortcake for dessert. To my surprise and dismay, hy had only made up 1 plate and sat down and started eating. My mouth watering and trying to look as pitiful as possible I hoped that hy would give me some or better yet, untie my hands. But for a long time hy contentedly ate hys food, seeming to ignore me but smirking every now and then……….
Finally got a webcam and a new computer, so I will (hopefully!) soon be posting some Vlog’s soon. I will announce it all over too. My Vlog’s at 1st will not have BDSM content because the new computer and webcam I share with my dad, and I don’t want there to be ANY risk of my dad or anyone else in my family finding out about that part of my life. I am hoping to get my own laptop and webcam soon, saw one for like almost $400 at Micro Center, pretty much the cheapest I’ve seen. I only have like $650 in my account now, and want to have more then that in there before buying a laptop.
And when I eventually do get the laptop and webcam, and start posting vids with BDSM content (that is if I like doing VLogs at all!!!) I will be wearing masks and disguises, to conceal my identity, as well as be under another screen name. Anywho here is my coming out story!
I 1st came out when I was about 20-21 to my dad. That was (looking back at it.) Was probably not a good time to come out, and I didn’t really plan on what I was going to say. My parents had recently seperated and my dad and I were driving around, running errands I think and I asked him something like, “You would always love me, no matter what I do or say, right?” and he said “Yes of course” then I said “I am bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women” I don’t really remember the conversation after that, but what it had amounted to was “Oh it’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it” type of response. That really pissed me off! He told my mom and one of my brothers. For some reason I cannot remember really talking with ethier of them about it. Looking back, I see the whole phase statement more clearly and have developed some theories on it.
1.)Yes, Bisexuality is at times (for some people) a phase. In trying to figure out whom/what your attracted to and all that. Which I knew then. But my emotional response to this was, regardless of whether or not this was a phase, it is still something that was distressful to me. I felt like that statement totally invalidated my feelings, was like saying, “Oh it doesn’t matter.”
2.)I think that people (like parents.) say that, not to necessarily reassure the person that is coming out, but to try and reassure themselves. People often develope a sense of other people, like their kids. They have a perception of who that person is. And when that person comes out with something they didn’t expect, they have a hard time dealing with it. When it comes to being LGBT which is something that is still discriminated against every day (depending on where your at.) Our loved ones, often don’t want that for us. They don’t want us to be ostrasized by others, to hurt or possibly killed. So they have a bad emotional response. Alot of times, their response has to do with misconceptions, like the so-called ‘Gay Lifestyle’. Which implies that all gay people are promiscuis and what not.
A bit of backstory…..
In school, I was totally and completely boy-crazy! I never (at least not consciously) had any crushes on girls. Yeah there were a few I thought were pretty (some just surface wise, others I thought were pretty inside and out. the former was really rare, though.) But it never went beyond that. Yeah I snuck looks at other girls in the locker rooms and showers, but that’s human nature….everyone does that. I never even had any sort of crush on female friends. (and very rarely male friends.)
Despite my boycraziness, I was really shy and had a hard time talking to boys. (and most other girls.) I was alittle bit socially awkward I guess. My parents were probably more relieved about that then worried, considering the consistant rise in teenage pregnancy and STD’s. So, for the most part, I lived in my head (and still do to a large extent.) The boycrazy stuff, looking back at it, it really throws me off, I mean how can someone who now considers herself to be Queer/Gay have that kind of background? I have a few theories (No there isn’t much that I don’t have a theory on!:P)
1.) Is that given the teenage years is a really crazy hormonal time, and that (for me, maybe.) my sexuality wasn’t fixed, so I just started liking boys.
2.) I was into reading teenybopper books, and all the girls like boys and vice versa. I had heard vaguely of Gays and Lesbians, and I knew what those words meant, but at the time, I felt that they didn’t relate to me, so I never thought much about it, though felt vaguely disgusted by the idea. Anyways, maybe society’s conditioning in that, ‘You got to be straight?’ was in play there?
3.)Maybe sexuality really is fluid. That it doesn’t really stay in 1 place.
Could be anyone of those, or a combination of all 3, or non of those, as in maybe I am delusional. (I doubt the last one, seriously. :)) #3, that one really fucks with my head, because I am finally getting to where I can start to accept myself as a Queer Woman (and many, many other things.) And what….start being attracted to whom? Guys again? Fem Women? Nothing inherently wrong with that, it is just I don’t like changes much, (like a cat;)) I struggled for so long trying to figure this shit out, now that I have it figured out, I don’t want it to change.
LOL. Sorry I digressed so much. Anyways, after coming out in my early 20’s I wound up going back into the closet for the most part. I say for the most part because the subject came up every now and then with my dad, and I just would shrug and not really give an answear. (because I didn’t really know.) I told a few boyfriends and potential boyfriends (Mostly to gadge their reactions.) most were okay with it, some predictably thought that meant I wanted to be in a 3some, or that I would want a girlfriend in addition to a boyfriend. I wasn’t at all ready for any of that. Looking back, I think part of was because I sensed that the term bisexual wasn’t right for me.
I really wish I had started hanging with the LGBT community back then, I don’t know if I would of figured it out sooner, but I would of found more friends that would try to help me figure it out, at any rate. But, better late then never, for the past year I have been attending a few regular groups at the local LGBT center. Back then, I let my excuse of not having a car limit virtually most of possible social activities, which is bullshit, because alot of these things were close enough that I could of walked, rode my bike, asked my dad to drop me off/pick me up. And undoubtably I would of made friends that would be ok with picking me up, like if we were going to the same event. (and of course I would of given gas money.) But once I got my car, lol. I no longer could make that excuse. I started with the Pagan community especially after my last boyfriend broke up with me and I wanted to find other Pagans my age. (particularily guys. still had guy crushes.) Then went on to the BDSM community and finally worked up the nerve to check out the local LGBT center.
Well I think I have said enough on this topic, though may add more later on. Like I mentioned earlier, will probably post a vid or 2 on this topic soon, this was to try and clarify my thoughts, like kind of have a script to go by, I want to try and avoid having alot of Umm’s and pauses. Been watching Coming Out stories on youtube and reading stories on the web, just wanted to add my voice to the queue, remind people that there are those in every age group that come out, it is NOT reserved for the young by any means. LOL. So see ya then!
For not having ambition. That may sound silly, I mean it really isn’t that big of a deal not to have ambition. But I have always regretted not having it. This is not to say I don’t have dreams, and wants or that I won’t try to shoot for them.
I decided that I should try my hand at some writing prompts, not just because I am flailing about trying to find something to write about, but because there are some good topics!
One of the ones I am thinking of is the 30 Days of Truth, as well as 30 Days of Kink. Not sure I want to write every single one of these though.
30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself?
30 Days of Kink
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks
Day 3: How did you discover that you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences, that in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your 1st kinky sexual experience? If you havn’t had one yet, talk about what you would like to happen.
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Day 8: Post a kinky image that you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Growing up, My mother was not really there for me,(or for my brothers.) Oh, she was there physically. She worked hard (at times with 2 jobs. As did my dad.) And I supposed she did her best. (I mean the best she was capable of doing.) But I can’t help but wish she had been there more. She had the tendency to retreat into books, and tune out the rest of the world. For a long time as frustrating as that was, I also used it to my advantage. (like a few times, being grounded and not allowed to talk on the phone or watch tv…I’d make up an excuse to call a friend to “remind her of something” then talk for hours. Or happen to be doing my homework in the living room.) But other then those few advantages, I often felt like I didn’t have a mom. She grudgingly told me how to deal with having a period, and showed me how to shave my legs and armpits, but didn’t tell me about sex. My Dad’s sisters gave me a more indepth talk about the above subjects, and alittle about sex, but I was ok with the minimal talk about it…because I knew I would have a good class in sex ed in my 8th grade year. (I really liked the 2 teachers that taught sex ed.) Looks wise, my mom is pretty. Maybe not the knock out she was when my parents started dating. (according to pictures.) but neither is my dad. She never really was inclined to prep much on a day to day basis. She died her hair (usually Red shades.) and used some facial creams, but thats about it.
Questions…while not forbidden, were usually discouraged. It helped alittle bit that she was pretty much like that with my brothers and my dad as well. But it did seem like she didn’t really want to connect with me. I don’t have to look far for possible reasons: My dad and I are extremely close now, and we had been since pretty much day 1. It was my father that stayed home during the day while my mom worked. He was my primary caregiver. Now, she tried,(and mostly succeeded.) not taking it out on me. But, I think she only managed that thru freezing me out. I remember as a 6 year old child, referring to my mom as “cold fish”.
The reason for this blog, is in figuring out how to Reclaim My Femmeness/Feminity, I feel that Moms, regardless of their orientation really should be the 1st to look at, regarding the basics. But as explained above…I get that with my mom.
So….now I am faced with a paradox. On 1 side, I badly want to be the classical high femme with never a hair out of place, always lady like, with a refined manner. On the other…the voices are saying “What the flying fuck, do you want to do THAT for?
I know that my description of high femme is exaggerated, and that there are plenty of normal looking women out there (who have probably felt like me) who have claimed not only the title of Femme, but of High femme. It’s one of those things that I have grasped logically, but in relation to myself…failing miserably. I went thru the same process with the word Queer. Though not much, if for no other reason then because no other word fit.
So…how do I go about this? I’ve thought about those old fashioned schools where women become ladies, but I don’t think they exist anymore, and besides, couldn’t afford them. I have also thought about an acting coach, If I can learn to pretend, If you pretend often enough, it can become reality.
Another reason for wanting this: alot of Butch types prefer the High Femme type. Especially the ‘Dapper’ type of Butch. Have to admit…the idea of Dapper butches makes my mouth water. Hmm old fashioned pin striped suit, silk hankerchief folded up in a upper pocket. expensive cuff links. matching fedora hat. Shoes impeccably shined………..lol. is it getting hot in here or is it just me? hehe.
So, if my Butch is wearing a killer outfit like that…well then I would be REQUIRED to wear an outfit that is just as much of an knockout. Make my butch be proud to have me on her/his/hys arm. And be able to pretend my way thru the evening. I could actually do it now, namely if I find a book on fancy silverware. And practice walking straight, (yeah, Im a sloucher. I know, bbbbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaadddd habit.) Not to mention practice wearing heels. Though I hate them, I would do that for My Butch.